Pop Quiz time!

Get out your trusty No. 2 penci…sorry, my editor is whispering to me…one moment. WHAT? No one uses those anymore?? Ugh. Fine, get out your namby pamby mechanical pencils, then…

 

1)      When you find out you are pregnant, presuming you are a female homosapien, you expect to give birth to which of the following:

a)      Some sort of mammal, but you are not sure which kind you’ll get. Life’s a box of chocolates, you know!

b)      A plant or tree of some kind.

c)      A sea creature

d)     A space alien

e)      Another homosapien

If you answered anything but (e), please seek out the care of a mental health professional immediately.

 

2)      At 14 days of gestation, a fully formed heart begins to beat in the tiny person (see question #1) in the uterus. Once the fetus (a.k.a. baby) is large enough that one can hear the beating heart with a stethoscope, do you ask the doctor if you can listen to:

a)      The clump of cells’ heartbeat?

b)      The fetal matter’s heartbeat?

c)      The non-specie specific organism’s heartbeat?

d)     The baby’s heartbeat? [Hint: I’ve had three kids, been around what seems like a billion preggo’s in my life, been under the care of my fair share of OB/GYN doctors, and they all say “baby.”]

 

3)      While a sperm and an egg are both living things, until they unite, they will die sad and lonely…and they don’t even have grandchildren to accuse of not coming to see them enough because they cannot reproduce themselves. Knowing that something happens when they do unite, how would you describe that process?

a)      Who knows? Science is HARD!

b)      The stork gets an email from them and will deliver something later. They are high-tech these days.

c)      Once united, a unique, genetically distinct human being is created. This being, that is a separate entity from the mother, has all the genetic material necessary to, one day, become a fully grown human that will think you, as the parent, are stupid. Then, they will want to borrow the car.

The only logical answer is [c] because we all know that just because they turn 18 doesn’t mean they are adults. OK! Next question…

 

4)      What is the difference between a “zygote,” a “fetus”, and an unborn baby?

a)      Medical jargon.

b)      Whether or not the pregnancy is wanted.

c)      If the person talking about it is pro-abortion or anti-abortion.

d)     If the person talking about is claims to be pro-choice or pro-life.*

e)      All of the above.

 

*If I claim to be pro-choice, but we are talking about pulling live kittens to pieces, that means I am okay with you pulling live kittens into kitten bits – making me pro-kitten-dismembering – even if I claim I find it appalling and would not do it myself. To clarify, I am resoundingly anti-kitten-dismemberment. In addition, someone who claims to be pro-life about the abortion issue, but is okay with euthanasia for humans, is really only anti-abortion, not pro-life. Capice?

 

5)      What is the only difference between a baby (see question #4) that is still in the womb (gasp! A layman’s term!) at almost any stage of development, and one who was just born?

a)      Location, location, location

b)      One has a personal indoor pool, and the other doesn’t.

c)      Preferred method of consuming calories.

d)     One is just further along on the timeline of development, but is still dependent entirely on others to live, and not as far along on the timeline as, say, the mother.

e)      All of the above.

 

Well, congratulations! You passed! So, in conclusion, we all already know that the entity in the womb is a baby. That’s laymen’s terms, yes, but how many of us, who are not doctors talking to other doctors, walk around saying things like, “Well, I claim to have experienced some mild discomfort when they forgot to deflate the balloon before removing the scope from my urethra.” Uh, maybe 2 people. The rest of us say, “Those idiots pulled that inflated balloon thing-y outta me and it hurt like…” well, you know.

 

We also don’t go around saying, “Oh, I felt the fetus move!” or “As soon as possible after I’ve completed parturition [childbirth], I’m going to try to lose this fetus weight.” Even more ludicrous is saying, “Well, I hope the zygote implants properly so the pregnancy doesn’t result in a spontaneous abortion.” People say, “I felt the baby move!” “After I have the baby, I want to try to lose this baby weight I’ve gained,” and “I hope I don’t miscarry and lose the baby.”

 

So, don’t give me that garbage about “fetus” being the proper medical term, so we should all use it; that we don’t know when “life” begins because it began billyuns and billyuns of years ago and the deep philosophical arguments of blah, blah, blah – you know full well what “life” means in the case of pregnancy; or that people who are excited about being pregnant and those who are not do not use different terms to talk about the pregnancy…which consists of exactly the SAME THING…a human being.

 

The only question is, when does the “right to life” given to us by “our Creator,” as quoted directly from the Declaration of Independence and outlined in the United States Constitution, kick in for a person?